Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
