I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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