he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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