Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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