is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
