I want to walk on stilts...naked
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
