I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I will be naked everywhere
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
