I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
