I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
