I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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