i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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