maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
