i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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