Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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