i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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