Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
where am i from again
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My bed smells like the plague
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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