Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
