The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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