If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
