sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
