She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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