My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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