Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
