And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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