She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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