i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
