I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
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