i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
