Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
