Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
