sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
this beer tastes like vomit already
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
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my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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