Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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