I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
