It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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