dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.