Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
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Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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