I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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