I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
