Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
