My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
