why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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