we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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