i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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