shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
