There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
