and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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