What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
