Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
