Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
