If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
