i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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