you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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