he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
