He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
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