That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
