all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
YAS. BRING CRAB.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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