dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
