finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
