She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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