Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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