i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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