I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
