I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
