So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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